Well, it’s been almost a year since I was first hit with the devastating news that I was losing the farm and my future on it. At the time it was the worst thing that could have happened to me and I was in utter shock and horror which was followed by anger and sadness which came in waves and washed over me again and again until I grew so very tired.
I won’t say I don’t still miss the farm – I really do – but this past year has been oddly wonderful. I have learned so much about myself and my place on this planet. Yes, I have had a lot to deal with but I think I have come through the storm with grace and honor and I think I have grown as a person so much that I hardly recognize myself anymore. I stand here tall and proud and ready to tackle this next chapter of my life with poise and passion.
I thought I was happy as the not-quite-housewife who ran a farm on the side and was hoping for children in the future. Now I realize I was only happy with the farm part of that. Granted I may always want children but only if the circumstances are right and they weren’t then. I was blind to that and thank my lucky stars I can see it now with such precision and clarity. My purpose here was not to be a housewife, I am so much more than that. My mind is reeling all the time and I connect things and see things in a different way than most. It’s a gift and it’s going to lead me where I need to go. Today it was as if I realized for the first time in years who I really was. I was looking at old computer files – comics I drew many years ago, writing I wrote at the same time, before I ever got into a relationship. I was startled by who I saw behind those little masterpieces – I saw someone so full of life, so full of humor, so unrepentantly eccentric and happy. I have regained my optimism, my passion, my creativity. All these things were lying dormant in my mind until they came flooding forward recently. Now I am sculpting, and pursuing photography, and traveling. With every little trip into the woods I have a silent conversation with nature and I feel reassured. With every piece of artwork I bring joy to myself and whomever receives the art. With every piece of writing I strike a chord with someone, somewhere, sometimes half a world away. I have never felt more connected, more needed, more alive, than I do right now.
It’s as if I had to go back to the beginning to remember who I was and upon learning who I was I could see who I had become and who I need to be in the future. I am stronger than I ever gave myself credit for. I am someone so full of life, so full of vision, someone who can see every possibility and someone who can at last achieve the impossible. All these years I thought so little of myself and everything I could do – I saw myself as just a shuffling and silly little thing, perhaps an amusing distraction but nothing else, but in this past year I have found my voice and it sounds like a roar. I am confident, capable, passionate, optimistic, and ready to fulfill my destiny as a visionary.
Yes. I will be on a farm again but it won’t be my farm – it’ll be our farm. Yours, mine, the rest of humanity. My farm will stand to benefit whoever it can, to help the lives of many, to educate, to inspire, to create community. Everything I have ever done, every thing I have ever been through, has brought me here and I stand before my ultimate jump nervous but not showing it as I stride forward with a newfound confidence. Thank you everyone who has come with me this far and thank you everyone who will join me in the future. I am not going away.