Well it’s been a rough few days. After eleven months planning and working I finally released my campaign to raise funds for a new farm and raised all of the $5 I paid myself to test the GoFundMe page which I have linked to everything – every travel blog page, every other blog I have, FaceBook, FaceBook groups, Twitter, just everywhere. And it worked – to a degree. My friends shared it on their pages with glowing endorsements that warmed the cockles of my heart. I got many more followers and likes on all my linked websites but only a little over forty people actually viewed the video – though over forty people also shared on FaceBook so clearly I was hitting on something there. Still to work so hard for five dollars was more of a blow than I anticipated. My body sort of fell to pieces. Yesterday I spent all day with a killer migraine that was lovely enough to come with full body aches and nausea so bad I couldn’t eat. Being here, in what I affectionately call the Love Canal house, is taking a fierce toll on my body and what I am capable of doing. Winter is always the worst and I brace myself for those cold and dark months.
But with all that being said I am NOT defeated. I am NOT giving up. Yes, I am frustrated that the only thing keeping me from such a clear and concise dream is finances. Fucking money. It always comes down to that and it always makes me so angry. Here I sit with so many talents and skills but none of them are apparently wanted enough to make any kind of income whatsoever. But I still try!
I’m taking this moment to refocus once again. I will continue to travel and take beautiful photos whenever my health allows. This is wholly good for me and probably what is keeping my sanity at the moment. And since my writing seems to be getting more attention these days I guess I will go back to working on the novels I once abandoned. They sat lifeless and dusty for too many years because I needed to puzzle some things out in my head before I could make sense of them. One I just had characters whose interactions with each other I couldn’t understand at the time but now I do so I will go back to work on that. I will make it my goal to publish at least one of my novels and at least one of my art books this winter, something I was planning anyway. Besides this I will use my new calmer self to clear my mind, work a bit on my spirituality, re-center myself with all that is good in the universe.
I will continue to work on my art and will put up a new Etsy store. This has failed me twice before but what else am I going to do with a surplus of figurines and magnets? They’ve proven unsellable at our cheapskate farmer’s market here and are just piling up in boxes. I will also continue to share my photos on Instagram because I seem to be spreading a lot of joy there. Every day I get over one hundred likes and about four comments and five new followers, the vast majority from complete strangers. Even my Twitter is starting to get new followers. Perhaps I have just not allowed any of this enough time. As long as I stick with it perhaps things will pick up. I still feel like I am on the right path, doing the right thing, going towards my destiny. I have had an unwavering faith in this. That has kept me strong. I will try to keep this is mind as I slog forward. It’s weird right now because I have been feeling way too wired and by that I mean connected to the internet. Don’t get me wrong, I love that I am interacting with people, inspiring others, spreading laughter and joy, but the secretarial aspects of this and the sheer amount of time it takes keeps me a bit overstimulated but I know these are the tools of my generation and what I must do to succeed. No breaks. This is a 24/7 world. I will try not to fall into the same trap everyone else does… Don’t let me get addicted to the likes, the shares, the comments, and new followers. Numbers are not happiness, even when they’re climbing. They’re just a gauge. I seek something far deeper and more meaningful and in the end I will achieve it or die trying.
So thank you for anyone who is still sticking around to read this overly wordy diatribe on not quitting. I appreciate that! I really do. Sorry I can’t be writing about how wonderful it is to be sitting with a bunch of free range chickens but I will get there again someday… I just know it. Until then let peace and love multiply in your heart and calmness settle your mind. You’re all beautiful to me.